Texas

So. I'm back on Texas soil and have been for a week.

It's weird.. being back. I knew it was going to be even though I know it's right where God wants me. I'm so thankful that God has given me this week to rest, but honestly, it's been hard to rest. I miss the mountains. I miss the Montanans. I miss the Hasenyagers. I miss serving OC. It's been hard to accept the fact that I'm not there anymore, at least for right now. But God continues to be faithful, instructing, and loving in the midst of this strange place I'm in.

Last Thursday night Andrew, my brother, invited me to run around Sunnyvale's track. My gratitude towards him is so great! I needed to get out of the house. I wanted to be active. I climbed up and down the bleachers because I simply wanted to hike a mountain and that was the closest thing I could find in Sunnyvale, TX. We went at sunset and one of the coolest things about Texas is that she's flat, making the sky huge, which makes for some pretty sunsets. As I paused to watch the sky change, I was so arrogant to think that it wasn't as great as a Montanan sunset, that what it really needed was a few mountains on either side and maybe some clouds.

Arrogance is what I will struggle with the most here in Texas. At least for the next few weeks.

But God so calmly and firmly reminded me to let Him be the Creator. To let Him make the decisions.. to let Him mold.. creation, this next semester, this next year, every little and big part of my life. That really started to hit home last night. I've been up the past few nights working on my journal/scrapbook for this summer and a collage of sorts, basically creating things out the wahzoo (it's A LOT of fun and makes me want to be an art major). I asked myself what I would think, feel, or do if someone came into my room, took a look at what I was doing, and out right said, "It needs more.. it doesn't look good that way." Anger. Hurt. Frustration. Those emotions would flood into me and probably flow right out onto whoever said it. So.. how do I think Father felt when I said those same things to Him? Not that He's destroyed by my comments--He's far greater and will not be affected by anything I do. Oh, how I love Him for that! But He's a just God and I wronged Him when I said those things.

Tomorrow I drive to College Station--that will be weird. I'll be further away from Montana. I'll have to follow through on decisions tomorrow. The AC is out at the JKL House, so that'll be interesting. Please pray for me.. for gentle words and that Father would reveal to me what is real and what isn't, what's from Him and what isn't. Pray unity over Kelley, Lauren and I--that we'll listen and be patient with each other; that'll we'll love and serve one another so much more than last year.

Friday and Saturday is the BSM's Leadership Retreat--pray for us, please. Cole and I will talk about what direction our Bible study should go in this semester. The other Upperclassmen Journey Leaders will have to figure out what they'll study this semester as well. Pray for the new ministries that are starting and the students who are new to leading. Pray for these next few weeks--Gig' Em Week and the first two weeks of classes--that seeds will be planted, we'll water diligently, but Father would provide the growth in people.

I cannot thank you enough for the prayer you've granted to me, my team, OC, and Montana this summer. God has worked is marvelous ways and He still is! The next few months will be exciting--in College Station, in Montana, right where you're at. I urge you, don't miss out on what the Lord God is doing around you!

Well, it's been a great summer. Thanks again for reading and praying. If anything exciting happens, I'll let you know. But for now.. I'll see ya later.

Texas Sunset

"Before the mountains were brought forth, or ever you had formed the earth and the world, from everlasting to everlasting you are God."
-Psalm 90:2

The Last Day

Today is officially my last day in Missoula, MT. At least for a while. Hopefully.

Since Sunday night we've been back at Convergence.. where this crazy summer all started.. for debriefing. Although I have loved seeing the other Montanan summer missionaries and hearing their stories, it's been a struggle..

1. For the OC gang, we're still in our city of ministry and we're still seeing people from OC. OC, I love y'all. I am going to miss y'all. Part of my heart will always be here.. but my goodbyes haven't been completed and they won't be until I walk onto that plane tomorrow. I suppose I feel like I need to be doing ministry instead of debriefing. I just feel funny (as David After The Dentist would say).

2. I need to be back in Sunnyvale, TX. It's time. I miss my family and I just want to hug them. The Texas heat will hopefully be comforting in a weird way. And as John Steinbeck said, "A Texan outside of Texas is a foreigner." So true.

3. It's hard for me to process things in a group conversation of 14. Honestly, my processing will happen in my sky blue room, blaring music, and talking out loud to Father. My processing will happen when I meet with LC at the Starbucks on Towneast to talk about our summers. It'll happen when I look through all of my pictures and videos with tears rolling down my eyes but a smile on my face.

Please don't misunderstand me. I know why debriefing is here. I recognize the importance. We need to talk about the good and the bad--to shed light on the summer. For those reasons, it is great and needed. But at the same time.. it's hard.

My heart will never be ready to leave and I fear some of the things that I have face back home, but I thank God for His peace. So far August has been a month of God drenching me with His peace. I don't want to leave, but God's peace surpasses that.. I know it's time to leave. Physical, spiritually, emotionally, and mentally I need the rest. But after that rest I want to be on the next flight headed to Missoula!

Well, Montana.. it's been beautiful. I will surely miss so many things about you--the mountains, the climate, the people. Know that you have a part of my heart. Our Creator has taught me so much being here for these 10 weeks. Thanks for the laughs, cries, challenges.. it was all worth it. Every. Single. Second.


"Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."    -Philippians 4:4-7

The sunrise sitting on top of Squaw Peak.

Go Hard or Go Home

There are exactly 9 days left.

5 1/2 will be spent around the people I've grown to love this summer. The other 3 1/2 will be spent at debriefing - catching up with all of Western Montana's summer missionaries.

Am I ready to leave?

Not. At. All. But I do look forward to the day that I step on Texas soil, feel the overwhelming heat, and run into my parents arms. I miss my family dearly and there will be so much joy seeing them for the short week I'll be in Dallas. But I fear I will never be ready to head to College Station.


It's been awhile since I've updated so this could get long..

Extreme Expedition: July 23-25
About 20 of us hiked into the Mission Mountains into Mullman Pass. It was about 5 miles and 4,000 ft in elevation change.. totaling about 7,500ft at the top. It was gorgeous.. I remember heading to Glacier at the very beginning of the summer with the Hasenyagers and seeing that range. I'm pretty sure that all of the organs in my body stopped working at the sight of the beauty and majesty of those mountains.. and to think that my God made those! Unbelievable. All in all.. the weekend was great! Daniel and I found some cliffs to jump of off.. a ton of great conversations circling around God took place.. and I was able to open up to Joy with a few things heavy on my heart. It was in a sense, our last shibang of the summer. There were a few people there who were working through a lot of things in their life. Pray that God would continue to show Himself to them. I know that one of the guys doesn't have a relationship with Christ.. please be praying for the relationships that he formed and that God would use them to reveal more of Himself. Pray for his salvation.

This is most of the group that was there.

The week following Extreme I was distracted beyond reason. Sadly, I knew what was distracting me and I didn't do all that I could to guard against it. The next weekend (July 29-Aug 1) was in many ways a wake up call for me. 

Thursday, Joy came over to spend the night with Courtney and me. I have thoroughly loved getting to know her this summer. She has spoken deep truth into my life and I've learned more about boldness by watching her. This woman has no fear. I love it! 

Friday, Courtney and I hung out with Naomi. This girl is precious. Happiness and joy surround her, and her compassion for others is beautiful. This summer I've grown to feeling like an older sister to a few of the girls here and I wish I had had one on one time with each of them. But I'm so grateful for the little time I have been given with them. 

Later that night, Joy wanted to take Kayla, Courtney and me to Hot Springs so we could soak in some awesome minerals. Okay, this is where it gets crazy.. The story goes that two years ago Joy had seen a truck advertised for sale at a house by Rainbow Lake. She stopped and talked to people living there. The woman, Linda, talked with Joy and helped her process through some tough things going on in her life. Linda is all about loving people, and that is the solution to making the world a better place. She is VERY non-confrontational. So, Joy thought it would be a good idea to to stop by again, give Linda back a book she borrowed, and talk with her.

To be entirely honest.. throughout the day my distraction level went through the roof and the last thing I wanted to do was go to Hot Springs. I wasn't understanding so much that was going on around me.. I was living in confusion and not willing to move out of it. As we approached the house, Joy told us the story of Linda and Pat (the man Linda lives with).. I totally missed the part where we were going to go talk to them. (Thanks satan, I hate you too.)

We pull up and all of us are hesitant to get out of the car (except Joy of course, her armor was fully on and she was ready for battle!). She called me out of the car and then something started to click.. it was like as soon as I opened the door that I felt we were there for more than merely returning a book and saying hi. 

All of us head to the door with caution and uncertainty, but with this strange feeling of peace and security. Then we engage in a couple hour conversation with Linda. God gave us the discernment to know how the Truth had been twisted in her mind and heart. God gave that to us so that we would all know how to be praying in that time. Many times my heart shattered for Linda. The Truth was there, but satan had twisted it just slightly enough to lead her completely astray. I contained my tears for her in her presence but my anger towards satan burned and I let them roll the minute I walked out of her house.

We later were able to talk with Pat. He's a Native American and part of his story is that he had been a preacher, telling others about the Gospel for years. Then one day, he was driving and a spirit told him to turn down an unknown road. He followed and somewhere along the way, the spirit told him that his calling was to spread the knowledge of his traditional ways.. his Native American ways. The spirit was telling him to walk away from the Gospel... and Pat did.

Pat and Linda live together and I am convinced that God has brought them together for His purposes. At the end of the conversation we all prayed together, in a circle, holding hands. I won't forget holding Linda's hand and feeling the disunity between us. While on my other side, I held onto Joy's, my sweet sister whom I was fighting alongside.

That night God opened my eyes to the bigger picture of Montana. I am just now starting to understand how prevalent worshipping the creation and post-modern thinking embeds this land.

Pray for Pat and Linda, please. Their words and understandings are so close and yet completely off. Pray that God would show Himself mighty, big, and loving in their lives.

This was my wake up call.

This is why God lead me to come to Montana this summer. To spend myself for the people here. To love in ways that I am not capable of without Him constantly pouring into me. To be vulnerable with people.. share my hurts, frustrations, mistakes with them. 

For the past two weeks or so, my dear sister and roommate, Kelley (who has been serving the Lord in Japan all summer), has been reminding me to Go Hard or Go Home (thank you Lecrae for your warrior songs). Last week.. it was hard to go hard but I didn't want to go home. Since this weekend, God has refocused my mind through His grace. I told Kelley that I expected her to be so spent in Japan that she would collapse into her parents arms when her plane landed. That is how I want my team and I to be when our planes land in Texas.

Thank you for your prayers, encouragement, and support throughout the summer. God has worked in glorious ways that I will never fully know.. but that is more than okay. : )

Continue to pray for the team. Tomorrow and Thursday are the last services we will be at. 

Pray for Daniel and I as we share with the youth tomorrow how God has worked in us this summer and our testimonies more in depth. 

Pray that God would be working in the youth's hearts and that He would bring those that need to hear. 

Pray for Courtney as she plans the Children's Church by herself and as she teaches dance to the girls. 

Pray for the kids who were at Day Camp to beg their parents to come back to OC.

Pray that God would be bringing families back to Him.

Pray for Caleb as he works with the pre-teens.

Pray that we all could Go Hard or Go Home this week.

LECRAE:: GO HARD from Adamson.TV on Vimeo.

Radical Cliffs

Last night Courtney and I were invited to a Perea House meeting. We were running super late but God completely worked out the timing for us to get there slightly after people had started sharing about how their relationship with God had been going.

My first thought.. "Snap. I have to be vulnerable to people I have just met." And as you may know, this summer has been stretching me to be more and more vulnerable.. to everyone! I gave it a whirl and I am so thankful that I did.

Everyone shared and of course I was the last. Things like this always catch me off guard. I never know what to say or where to start. I can never get my thoughts out exactly how I'd like to. As I shared, I rejoiced in how God had captivated my heart in a completely new way and in a much much deeper way at Yellowstone. I mentioned the slightly clearer future He's given me insight on. I talked about how up and down this summer has been in regards to my walk with Him. I shared the blessings He gave me last Wednesday when a few girls told me some deep hurts and recent hard times. It's difficult to talk about all that He's done because so much of it seems so muddy to me right now. I don't know where He's taking me and I don't know why, but it confuses my past.

After that we dove into Scripture talking about renewing our minds and what that looks like. The focus was on the thought life and God completely called me out. Lately I've been letting my mind go wherever it wanted to. I know exactly where it's going and I what the end point will be, but I've chosen to not do anything about them. I've chosen to remain in darkness instead of walking into the light. Without realizing it, I wasn't letting God be enough for me; then worry and fear began to set in.

We took some time to go off by ourselves and meet with God. Afterwards, we met back in the dining room to share what God had spoken to everyone. (Oh joy, vulnerability again..) But the discussion was completely exciting! It was awesome to hear how the same verses applied to everyone so differently. I've definitely been craving some deep "Hey, let's truly share life together and dig into the Word" time with other believers. God is SO big and SO great! My soul knew that I needed to be there and how refreshing it was.

Father left me with a word.. Radical.

Here's one of the definitions.. a person who holds or follows strong convictions or extreme principles. Another that I thought was interesting.. of or going to the root or origin; fundamental.

He's calling me to hold fast to my strong convictions and to solidly know where I come from.

My toes are curling around the edge of another cliff.
Will I choose to take one step off?
Will I choose to be radical for His glory?

The beauty of this cliff is that it is my line of no return. Emily, a new friend that I met last night, so wonderfully spoke those words over me. She will never know how very very deep they run. Freedom and joy surged through my soul and brought tears of complete abandon to my eyes.

My line of no return..

Immediately God tenderly and joyously spoke to my heart.. "You don't have to live with a false self-worth anymore.." When I take that step.. that past.. is my past. It's gone. It's done. There is no need to walk in those lies anymore since I am choosing to walk in the light.

God is doing some crazy, wild, wonderful things in my life and in the lives of my brothers and sisters He has placed around me. It's simply.. beautiful.


"The pillars of heaven tremble and are astounded at His rebuke. By His power he stilled the sea; by His understanding He shattered Rahab. By His wind the heavens were made fair; His hand pierced the fleeing serpent. Behold, those are but the outskirts of His ways, and how small a whisper do we hear of Him! But the thunder of His power who can understand?"
-Job 26:11-14

My Heart Is Exploding

That statement sums all that I'm feeling and thinking.

This past weekend, the interns were treated to a trip to Yellowstone by Mark and Sacha. John, David, Micah, and Sooie joined us as well. What a weekend for renewal and God to work in crazy ways that only He can!

I can wholeheartedly say that my heart has been completely captured by Montana, the people here and the creation that surrounds them.

The first day of adventuring Yellowstone.. hitting all the touristy places.. I was talking with Caleb. He admitted to me that he was slightly disappointed by Yellowstone's scenery so far (we drove in the west entrance)--that it merely looked like Missoula's. It was also hilarious to hear Daniel's reaction when we walked up to Old Faithful. He thought she'd be bigger and wouldn't believe that it was actually her! Haha. Anyways, as Caleb and I were walking around Mammoth Falls at the end of the second day, it was so awesome to hear how enthralled he had become with Yellowstone's bizarre beauty. That is exactly how I felt as well.

Yellowstone captivated me in ways that nothing else has. It was one of those moments where you feel alive. The mountains there.. I can't even describe them. How sulfur can take over land and change it.. it's weird!! I can't get over it. I just can't. Last weekend I finally understood how people can love and worship the creation without praising the Creator. I'm not going to lie.. I was having a hard time remembering to give credit to God as I was soaking in every bit of His glory, His personality displayed in those majestic mountains.

Oh, and I can't get over the fact that spent the weekend IN A MASSIVE VOLCANO!!! How INSANE is that?!?! If Yellowstone exploded.. half of the USA would be gone.

Crazy.
Weird.
Completely all God's creation.

To top off the craziness of some of the things we saw.. on the second day we decided to hike up to Grizzly Lake. We spent a few hours fly fishing and exploring the area. This lake is one of the many lakes and trails in Yellowstone. We saw maybe 15 people over the course of 4 hours but us GoNowers ran into a girl from our orientation--Alyssa, an Innovator working at Yellowstone. Oh my goodness.. it was CRAZY! We couldn't believe that we ran into her of all places in Yellowstone. I couldn't get her out of my mind for the rest of the day--God wouldn't let me forget her.


The mountains have my heart and I don't want to leave them. But more than the gorgeous scenery.. the Montanans have captured every crevice of my heart. Thinking of saying goodbye makes my heart break. My team and I are finally starting to understand OC and the people that we've met at it, and in three weeks we'll have to say our goodbyes. I can't be done here. I just can't be done.. not yet.

God has already taught me so much on what happens when I start to make my plans without involving Him, but I so badly want to already commit to being here the day after I graduate college. God willing.. I will be here. More than anything I want to share life with these beautiful people. More life than the little that I have.

Kelley reminded me yesterday to Go Hard or Go Home. I love Lecrae and I love her. Pray that in these precious few weeks my team and I can Go Hard. I hope that when we get on that plane and head to Denver that we will be empty because we poured all that we had on the people here.

Massive water fall

Overlooking a bunch of springs

Mountain overlooking Grizzly Lake

aka My favorite

Mammoth Falls

Grand Prismatic Spring

4th of July

How grateful I am to be in America for the 4th of July! Us interns had a fantastic weekend filled with Osprey Baseball, hiking, hamburgers, fireworks in 3D, cookouts, rock band, farmer's market, Ghostbusters, a trip to a cabin and Garnet ghost town. Most importantly it was the loving people we were able to share those experiences with. Thank you all for the company, food, and laughter!

Jaime, Me, Courtney, and Michelle at the Osprey game.

There is officially four weeks left at OC. I can't believe how fast this summer has gone--it feels like we just got here. We're finally getting to know people and settle into our ministries. It's been interesting to begin to see the strengths, needs, and passions of this church. My hope and prayer is that they will continue to grow as a community. My heart is already saddened by the fact that I have to go back to Texas so soon. (Maybe it'll be the Lord's will that I come back.) I would love to come back one day and hear how God has changed and molded them into who He wants them to be.

All summer I've been trying to figure out if there was an overall theme that God was teaching me. We're halfway in and I think it's all about relearning. Lately, especially this week, it's been about looking at the Gospel again--truly understanding all of the little ins and outs.

Coming back from Hiawatha, Caleb asked us what else would we like to do in our ministries before we leave. I thought for a while and never really answered him, but that question has been on my mind ever since. All that I ever wanted to do this summer was talk with the junior high and high school girls about who I was when I was their age. My desire was, and still is, to pour out my failures in front of them and shed some God-given wisdom on what I did. I simply want them to fully and radically understand the beautiful freedom, never ending grace, and bountiful life we can have in Christ Jesus.

The girls and I talked about it once, and I've hinted about it at other times. My fear is that they don't understand, that my encouragement to wait on the Lord, avoid dating throughout high school, won't sink in. I want to save them from the gut wrenching heartache I endured because of my mistakes. I want them to know that a man, even a man of God, will never complete them. But thanks be to God, that I, in my sinful flesh, am not expected to save them! I cannot search their hearts and change them, only Father can.. so I have a peace and assurance that He will do what He wishes according to His will. Oh, how I've grown to love His sovereignty.




God is moving and I can't always see it, which is the hard part, but I know He is. Thank you for your prayers. So often I have felt their encouragement. A need that has come forth is for leaders to arise to take over what we have done this summer. Please be praying that God would work on people's hearts and bring them to our attention.

Courtney and I said goodbye to Jaime on Tuesday. We are surely going to miss her! She has a joy about her that I love. Pray for safe travel as she will be going to a few different places between now and when school starts in the fall. She'll be new at CSU so be praying for the transition and that God will bring friends into her life.

The Youth All Nighter is tomorrow night. Pray for unity amongst the youth. Pray for safety and wise decisions. Pray for fun and that God's Spirit would move. Pray for conversations that will happen and energy for the leaders to last through the night.

"But thanks be to God that, though you used to be slaves to sin, you wholeheartedly obeyed the form of teaching to which you were entrusted. You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness."  -Romans 6:17-18

Surrender

It's been July for two days now. Whoa. Cray cray (crazy if you will). I can't believe it. Early this week I was able to talk with a sweet friend from TAMU's BSM, Rebecca. It was so good to hear "y'all" used a billion times! Thank you for the encouragement friend!

This week has gone by like a light year! And it has been an odd one too--full of ups and downs.

Courtney and I were able to hang out with Jaime twice. She is such a fun girl! I hope we can talk about Father in the few weeks we have left with her.

Daniel and Caleb introduced Courtney and I to their friend Aaron. He's a pretty cool guy and a blast to hang out with!

Wednesday afternoon, during the girl's discipleship Bible study, I felt the Lord set up the conversation for Courtney and I to tell the girls our testimonies, mistakes and what we've learned from them. So we did. The reaction wasn't what we thought it would be. I didn't really know what to expect to be honest. I normally only share that part of my life one on one and to girls my age. God only knows what is going through their heads and I trust that He used that time for His purposes.

For the past week/week and a half I've been reading through Joseph's life. It couldn't have come at a better time. During the Day Camps, two weeks ago, God hit me with something hard.. He brought to my attention that I had been controlling every little thing in my life. (Or trying to). I had been spending myself to make sure the details of my life were securely in my grasp--even the things that I obviously don't have control over.

The weekend before Day Camps I came down with a sinus infection and it knocked me out for Sunday and Monday--a day for preparation and the first day of camp. I had gotten sick at the worst possible time of the summer. I freaked out. I felt like I was letting everyone down and I hated that I couldn't take care of my responsibilities.

God knocked me down to let me know that I wasn't the one in control of my life. You would think that I would have this down pretty good by now.. from failing out of engineering to never really knowing where I stood with the RPTS Department all last year to even making it here. I had to trust God. I didn't have another choice. But no.. this is the summer of relearning.

Trusting, serving, loving are all things God is having me take another look at. Currently it is surrendering. Sometime around Tuesday or so, I realized that not only I don't have control over the big things in my life, but also the little things. God translated that realization into, "Now, surrender everything, the big and the little, to Me." Whoa. Everything? I'm still working through the ins and outs, but it's more than "You can pick my major. You can choose my husband. You put me wherever You want to."


Reading through Joseph's life (Genesis 37-50) completely reiterated what Father was speaking to me. Joseph was thrown into a well, sold into slavery by his brothers, accused to be a rapist, and thrown into prison for years. Doesn't look like he had much control over his life. But everywhere he went God was with him. God was controlling his life--the good and the bad--to bring glory to Himself. God has the huge plan mapped out that required Joseph to make it to Egypt somehow. God chose slavery which required Joseph to trust and cling to God.


So. I'm standing on the edge of a cliff with options.. 


1. I walk away. Stay grounded. Stay safe.


2. I stand at the edge. Stagnate and lifeless.


3. I jump. I trust. There's adventure, thrill, joy, life.


I'm reminded of the time that I was at the Smith's house for Hope group. The younger people were jumping off the roof onto a trampoline--simply stepping off onto the trampoline. For some reason I needed to run and push off the roof; go as far as I could go. Thinking was not involved on my part. I ran. I pushed. I jumped. I screamed. I nearly landed on the ground. But I made it.

Now.. if I can only apply that technique to this cliff I'm standing on...

Looking down one of the 200ft+ bridges during the Hiawatha.